David Luiz and Defensive Diving

Many believe there is no greater injustice in the English game than the act of diving, usually committed by a fancy foreign winger with too much skill for his own slender ankles.

Forget homophobia, racism or ghost goals – nothing grinds the gears of grown, 50-year-old white males more than watching an Iberian trequartista impersonate Tom Daley, by throwing himself to the floor the moment said slender ankles feel a molecule of boot leather brush against them, before rolling across as much grass as possible like they’ve just escaped a burning building, until the referee surrenders to the theatrics and controversially awards a penalty.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate diving too. It may not have as detrimental a long-term effect on a players’ career as a shin-shattering, studs-up from Ryan Shawcross, but it nonetheless sours the fundamental principles of the English game – the idea of men vs men, of playing hard but fair, of football being a ninety-minute war between rival tribes. It just doesn’t fit into how we view the beautiful game, not that too many complain when it’s their team benefiting from what can only be described as deliberate cheating.

Yet, with diving comes a great hypocrisy; a paradox, an oversight. Whilst Premier League referees have become increasingly aware of simulation from attacking players, parallel acts from those at the opposite end of the pitch continue to be ignored. Indeed, whilst we vilify forwards and wingers for such indiscretions, the ‘defensive dive’ is seen as smart, cute and strategic.

Take Chelsea’s David Luiz, the inspiration for this article. Against Southampton on Sunday, he took one touch of the ball, held his body back as far as possible, waited for the onrushing attacker to make the mildest of contact and instantaneously hurled himself to the ground. To say he was playing for it would be an understatement but without a split second of hesitation, referee Mike Jones duly awarded a free kick.

Of course, this is just one incident – and particularly extreme in its obviousness. But defensive dives happen in every Premier League match, on several occasions, and yet they’re accepted as part of the art of defending rather than an abomination within the game.

I’m not pointing fingers at specific individuals but it’s rather telling of how frequent defensive dives are that Bournemouth’s Adam Smith is the second most-fouled player in the Premier League this season, whilst Tottenham’s Danny Rose, Stoke City’s Eric Pieters, Crystal Palace’s Joel Ward and Burnley’s Stephen Ward – who I haven’t even seen leave his own half this term – are all in the top 30 based on per-game metrics.

To some extent, the oversight is understandable. After all, you wouldn’t expect a 6-foot-plus defender who heads balls and sticks his foot in where it hurts for a living to go down under the pressure of a pint-sized winger without due cause. It’s almost unnatural to suspect otherwise, especially in the Premier League.

Likewise, there’s arguably more pressure to award a free kick in a team’s defensive third than a spot kick at the other end. Whilst fans begrudgingly accept referees must be certain to issue a penalty, without any doubt, the same convention doesn’t apply to free kicks. And if a goal came from what proved to be foul, the backlash would be enormous.

At the same time, awarding a penalty is essentially choosing to have an active potential impact on the score line, whereas giving the benefit of the doubt to a defender upon being challenged by an attacker is far more passive. It simply maintains the status quo of the match.

But the double standard is impossible to deny. How can we expect attacking players not to partake in simulation when defenders are getting away with it every week, simply because they look like brutes? The FA’s current target is grappling in the box, something Mike Dean has all-too-typically championed. Well, eradicating defensive dives should be their next crusade to clean up the English game.

Call me a maverick, call me an anarchist, but I have an unconventional method to eradicate diving,  defensive or otherwise – the introduction of a third card. The orange card.

The orange card has a dual effect; firstly, it’s a booking, in the same way as a yellow card, but also carries a one-match suspension for the following game, a pretty strong deterrent in itself. Furthermore, however, it also doubles up as a dunce hat – embarrassing its recipient and making clear for all to see exactly what he’s being accused of.

No doubt, it’s a radical suggestion, imprinting new laws in the FA rulebook. But the stronger stance taken against diving, the sooner it will disappear from our game.

More games: friv

Chelsea: How will David Luiz fit in and was he Antonio Conte's first choice?

David Luiz is back at Stamford Bridge. The wild Brazilian defender will bring his charisma, character and on the ball technical ability with him as he makes his return to Chelsea.

Yet to what extent does the former Paris Saint-Germain centre back feature in Antonio Conte’s plans as the Italian attempts to stamp his mark on English football?

Throughout the summer, Conte was linked with defenders such as Leonardo Bonucci, Alessio Romagnoli and Kalidou Koulibaly. He failed to sign any of the three and has ended up with Luiz, a player with flair and skill but does not fall into the category of your traditional defender.

Take Bonucci, a hardened Italian centre-back who has been able to use his brilliant positional play to mould a successful career with Juventus and Italy.

The 29-year-old showed the world how useful he can be playing in the heart of Conte’s three-man defence during the European Championship in France this summer. Conte knows and trusts Bonucci but was unable to sign his fellow Italian as he signed an extension to his contract with Juventus.

Another man who Conte had his heart set on was Kalidou Koulibaly, as he attempted to find a centre back he could mould into a long-term successor to Chelsea captain John Terry. Kouliably is a remarkably strong and athletic centre back.

Koulibaly was a target for Chelsea but Napoli held onto the centre-back (Getty)

Standing at 6ft 5inch he dominated in the Serie A last season, he made more tackles (69) than Bonucci (28), Luiz (23) or Romagnoli (37). Napoli reportedly rejected a £42m bid to keep Koulibaly at the club and have now convinced the Senegalese defender to sign a new contract, which includes a £60m buy-out clause for the player.

The third player Conte has expressed his interest in was Romagnoli. The 21-year-old has already started to make a name for himself as one of the new wave of Italian defenders, having left Roma to join Milan after a loan spell at Sampdoria.

The young defender made 33 appearances for Milan in the Serie A last season and proved that he is not just a young talent but an outstanding defender who has the potential to be another Italian great.

Romagnoli made more interceptions (84) than Bonucci (82), Luiz (60) and Koulibaly (82), showing he has the ability to read the game. He also made more blocks and fewer defence errors than Bonucci, Luiz or Koulibaly.

Yet, Chelsea and Conte could not quite seal the deal this summer, missing out on three talented defenders and leaving the squad very thin on the ground.

Instead, the club has decided to bring back Luiz for a whopping £30m, a huge some for a 30-year-old defender. However, it does open the door to the possibility of Conte playing a 3-5-2 formation. The Italian has been known for playing this shape throughout his career, allowing the team to play two strikers and offering a five-man defence if needs be.

Conte may have his work cut out to tame Luiz and convince him to hold his position but if he can, a back three of Luiz, Terry and Zouma - when fit - is an exciting prospect for the Blues.

David Luiz scores the most David Luiz own goal ever in pre-season friendly against West Brom

Is there anyone out there, anywhere, who can answer the following question:

Why is David Luiz STILL playing in defence?

Seriously, why?

He, for one, can't defend. For two, never stays in defence anyway. And, for three, can actually bang in goals from 40 yards.

And if there was ever video evidence supporting the claim as to why the Paris Saint-Germain player should never play in defence again... It's the one at the top of this story.

Hint: It includes the best fail you'll see today.

We're not entirely sure what happens at the start, because Luiz appears to be actually tracking back.

Anyway, that's as far his defensive qualities in this video.

Because, as the ball comes across the box, the former Chelsea man slides far too early and slots it past his own keepeer. In fact, he's slid so early the ball hits his knee.

And even further proof that he could have just booted it out - the ball was travelling so slowly that it barely dribbles over the line.

Luiz expresses joy on visit to Kuwait – Zain too strong for Roudan Plus in exhibition match

KUWAIT CITY, June 15: Late Abdullah Meshari Al-Roudan Indoor Football Competition observed a new phase of excitement in another round of exhibition match in which Brazilian star David Luiz playing for French team Saint German came face to face with UAE star Omar Abdulrahman (Amouri) on the sidelines of the ninth day of competition.

Spectators were seated in the arena three hours before the match, which kicked-start in an atmosphere full of excitement and enthusiasm. The game ended with Zain team beating Roudan Plus 7-3.

David Luiz expressed joy on his visit to Kuwait and commended the organizing committee represented by Chairman Khaled Al-Roudan for a job well done.

Al-Khleej Team joined the list of teams that made it to the second round after defeating High Sky team by 8-0, while the team of late Ahmad Al-Roumi drew 1-1 with Boubyan Bank.

Meanwhile, Passports team will meet MPs Scout Union in the second round of competition, with another match between late Musaed Al-Meilam and Blouz team, while Journalists team will meet Kuwaiti Deaf Club.

As regards the junior cup games, the reigning champion (Al-Abtal team) is doing its best to keep the title after claiming a new 3-0 victory over Odailiya team, whereas Diwaniyat Al-Abasi defeated Fintas team 2-1 and Mir Technical Services beat Rawda team 1-0.

Brazil has three uncapped players in Copa America squad

Agoalkeeper with Benfica, a versatile Sao Paulo centre half and a teenage forward with Santos were the three uncapped players named on Thursday in Brazil's squad for the centenary Copa America.

Benfica's Ederson, Sao Paulo defender Rodrigo Caio and 19-year-old striker Gabriel, also known as Gabigol, were coach Dunga's surprise inclusions for next month's tournament in the United States.

"Ederson has personality, comes out well and has good vision," Dunga said. "Rodrigo Caio is versatile, he is good in the air, can play the ball out of defence and has played as a holding midfielder.

"Gabigol is quick, he can cut in, he has a nose for goal. And what we really like in Brazilian football, he is good at a one-on-on8e, he can dribble.

"They deserve to be here," said Dunga. "They are international players and they have to take advantage of their chance."

Brazil will face Ecuador, Haiti and Peru in Group B in the first stage of the tournament. The event marks the start of a busy few months for the nation that will host the Olympics in August.

Dunga selected seven players who will play in both competitions but Barcelona striker Neymar was left out of the Copa America squad at the request of his club. Neymar will, however, be one of the three over-age players allowed in the Olympic squad.

Former captain David Luiz was excluded by Dunga after the Paris St Germain defender played poorly in Brazil's 2-2 draw against Paraguay in a World Cup qualifier in March.

To mark the centenary of the Copa America, the 10 South American sides will be joined by six more teams from the northern half of the Americas.

The tournament will be held from June 3 to 26.

Goalkeepers: Alisson, Diego Alves, Ederson

Defenders: Miranda, Gil, Marquinhos, Rodrigo Caio, Dani Alves, Filipe Luís, Fabinho, Douglas Santos

Midfielders: Luiz Gustavo, Elias, Renato Augusto, Philippe Coutinho, Lucas Lima, Willian, Casemiro, Rafael Alcantara, Douglas Costa

David Luiz and Eliaquim Mangala belie price tags amid breathless bedlam

These are the champions. Die Meister! Die Besten! That is, just as long as you don’t ask either of them to do any actual defending. Before kick‑off on a raucous night at the Parc des Princes, Manchester City’s fans could be heard once again booing the Uefa anthem as it echoed around this giant concrete spaceship of a stadium. It was a theme immediately taken up by both teams in an entertaining, slightly wild 2-2 draw that at times resembled less a game of football, more a piece of elaborate protest theatre against the idea of competent elite level defending.

Not that any of this was unexpected. A night of attack against defence had always seemed on the cards. At one end: City’s jerry-built defence against the rapacious Zlatan Ibrahimovic, king of the Parc. At the other, Sergio Agüero and Kevin De Bruyne up against David Luiz, a more stately kind of error-prone megabucks central defender.

So it turned out to be, as a rollicking night produced four goals and a succession of howlers and scuffs and defensive rickets. At the end of which City will fancy their chances of getting the better of a home team who seemed a little muted by the end, unable to find that familiar crumple point in opponents who were panicky in the first half but increasingly resilient, with De Bruyne a consistently menacing attacking presence.

Quite how much further either of these teams might hope to go from here is another matter. Certainly in the first hour Eliaquim Mangala and David Luiz looked unlikely candidates for the title of the two most expensive defenders ever. Albeit David Luiz was, as ever, a stirring, driving presence in between the moments of goofiness. This is a player who clearly believes at all times he is without doubt the greatest footballer in the world. Now and then, when all the cogs are in sync, the parts oiled, he even looks like the greatest footballer in the world – if the greatest footballer in the world was made from balloons and sausages and tinsel.

Here, with just 20 seconds gone, he did something so David Luiz it was almost a parody of David Luiz-ishness, tugging Agüero down by the arm just outside the area, earning a yellow card and a one-match ban. After which it was over to you, old bean, as Edinson Cavani sent Blaise Matuidi in on goal at the other end. Mangala, galloping back zanily, seemed to jostle him off the ball.

It could have been a penalty and a red card. Without doubt it was a panicky piece of covering by numbers, the defensive equivalent of that moment at the end of a game of crown green bowls where the players just give up and hurl their last bowl down the middle like a cannonball hoping the pieces fall kindly. At this point we weren’t even past the 10-minute mark.

A moment of defensive crisis was coming. On 12 minutes it duly arrived. David Luiz (of course) carried the ball into the area. Bacary Sagna fell for the jink and allowed the Brazilian to tangle his leg into his own and induce a penalty kick. Joe Hart waited for Ibrahimovic to blink and plunged to his left to make a good save.

And so on we went. Before long, Nicolás Otamendi was hurtling feet-first into tackles in the PSG half, not so much playing football as performing a kind of kung fu yoga routine while a football match went on around him. Something somewhere had to give, some punchline applied to this defensive high-jinkery. It came at both ends in quick succession.

De Bruyne’s finish for the opening goal was emphatic, the ball belted through Kevin Trapp. It was made by Fernandinho’s nice pass and helped at the last – of course – by an attempt at an airborne running reverse double backheel by David Luiz inside his own penalty area.

Moments later it was horror at the other end as Ibrahimovic equalised via a stunning error from Fernando, who dithered on the ball as the most lethal player on the pitch closed him down, and then simply deflected it into the net off the Zlatan shin. Not just a mistake, but a genuine work of the imagination.

Still the gaps loomed as a thoroughly entertaining second half rumbled on. PSG’s second was neatly finished by Adrien Rabiot but it came from a corner conceded after a sliding non-interception by Otamendi, who by now seemed intent on seeing out the rest of the game lying down, scything his legs around like a drunken breakdancer. City’s equaliser came from another mistake, Fernandinho walloping a shot after a piece of terrible control from Thiago Silva.

Yet by the end the gravity of the game seemed to have shifted, City’s defence entered a neutral gear. Mangala in particular was praised by his manager for a performance that grew as the night wore on. The suggestion is the Frenchman will be sold in the summer when Pep Guardiola arrives, a man who is famously sniffy over his polyvalent defensive distributors. If so, perhaps the last 20 minutes here might even stand as an unlikely high point at City for a player of power and presence who seems to have it all right up until the moment he suddenly doesn’t. For now, rather unexpectedly after the chaos of that opening hour, he will at least always have Paris.

Transfers often take a while to get used to, but here are 11 perfectly sensible moves that would unite misguided footballers with their spiritual homes.

Football transfers often take some getting used to, rather like when one flicks the bedroom light on in the morning. In recent times, think of the excitement of Yohan Cabaye donning the stripes of Crystal Palace, the absurdity of Marco Borriello rocking up at West Ham, the plain incongruity of Ángel Di María at Manchester United. In retrospect, they may look as quotidian as a Marouane Fellaini elbow, but at the time, they were thrilling in their bizarre novelty.

Rather rarer are transfers that immediately make perfect sense, transfers where the player and payer are in perfect harmony. But they're not impossible to find. "Southampton's Charlie Austin:" now doesn't that sound like it has been an eternal truth, inscribed on stone tablets by the ancients? With the joy of this transcendental synergy in mind, we've set out to try and bring the universe into greater alignment, cobbling together a team of misguided players and helping them to identify their spiritual homes.

GK: Iker Casillas, Porto to Real Madrid

José Mourinho, you cruel, heartless bastard. Never mind how incompetent he was by the end of his career at the Bernabéu, Iker Casillas was Real Madrid. For football fans generally, Iker was a reassuring constant in a disconcertingly uncertain world; a man who was, and forever would be, the Bernabéu's number one. Champions Leagues, major tournaments and various editions of the FIFA franchise all came and went, and there Casillas still was, in all of his corporeal or pixelated glory. But as we were to learn, nothing lasts forever. Casillas' departure to Porto, at least in part the result of a massive argument with Mourinho, forced us all into the brutal realization that even San Iker succumbs to the sands of time. Even the saints aren't immortal. But let's have him restored, just so we can delude ourselves for a little while longer.

LB: José Holebas, Watford to LA Galaxy

José Holebas, it isn't your fault, it's the Premier League's. You always were going to be too perfect a thing for the competency of the English top flight. The Greek international moved to newly-promoted Watford from Serie A side Roma in the summer, and if supporters weren't excited then, they should've been. Holebas has been the exotic star of a dour Greece team over the past few years, bringing a South American flair to a team of two dismal banks of four. Whether it was taking shots from audacious angles or being caught horribly out of position at the back, this budget David Beckham was always entertaining. A transfer to the west coast and LA Galaxy will finally earn him the appreciation he deserves, and with his penchant for tattoos and glitzy earrings, he'll surely feel right at home.

CB: Vincent Kompany, Manchester City to Arsenal

If we're looking for a harmony between player and club, there's no better a fit than Vincent Kompany and Arsenal. The Belgian international's career arc could almost perfectly be mapped onto the Gunners' performances under Arsène Wenger: plenty of early promise and impressive results -- even a couple of trophies! -- gradually fading into a haphazard mess, with defensive aberrations interspersed with a series of muscle injuries. And just like Arsenal supporters, in spite of all of all evidence to the contrary, Kompany's apologists remain eternally optimistic of a triumphant return to domestic and continental dominance. It's a match made in eternal disappointment.

CB: David Luiz, Paris Saint-Germain to Manchester City

Losing Vincent Kompany to Arsenal would allow City to further rectify the cosmic imbalance by signing David Luiz from Paris Saint-Germain. Chelsea may have laughed all the way to the bank after flogging him to the French giants for a world-record fee a couple of years ago, but admit it: you can imagine him in City's sky blue. They've made an admirable habit of being as entertaining in defense as they are in attack, and the signing of the 28-year-old once described by Gary Neville as playing "like he's being controlled by a 10-year-old on a PlayStation" would only further their claim to be the most watchable team in the Premier League. Make it happen, City.

RB: Branislav Ivanović, Chelsea to Inter Milan

Inter have made a habit of signing creaking old defenders in recent times, with Manchester United legend Nemanja Vidić the archetype of the genre, though formerAtlético Madrid man João Miranda and ex-Palermo center-half Matías Silvestre are also fine examples. Chelsea's Branislav Ivanović would fit perfectly into this transfer policy: he's young enough that the transfer will seem mildly impressive, yet old enough that owner Erick Thohir wouldn't have to delve deep into his pockets to pay the transfer fee. Who cares that he's a hopeless defender?

CM: Mathieu Flamini, Arsenal to Olympiacos

It's always a joyous occasion when Olympiacos are drawn against one of Europe's giants in the Champions League, if only because we get to see which new Premier League reject has been washed up in the Port of Piraeus. Despite the invariably disappointing football on show, it's at least easy to fashion a drinking game: "Is that the same da Costa that used to play for West Ham?", "Is Brown Ideye the striker that couldn't score for West Brom?", "So that is where Esteban Cambiasso ended up! Bet he wishes he'd stayed at Leicester ..." Anyway, these Olympiacos stars are rarely exciting players in themselves; quite often they're tough-tackling midfielders, brought in for their experience and little else. Who better to fit the bill, therefore, than Arsenal's Mathieu Flamini: rubbish footballer, but a better pointer and shouter than anyone in the Premier League. There's also the fact he's a shareholder in the potentially lucrative GFBiochemicals company, and the Greek economy sure could do with a boost ...

CM: John Obi Mikel, Chelsea to AC Milan

AC Milan's recent transfer policy has mirrored that of their big rivals Inter, predicated on the question: "Why buy talented kids when you can bring in aging B-listers from some European giant?" Don't worry, Silvio; the supporters are too stupid to notice your marquee signing is five years past his prime. Perhaps the best example of such a transfer is that which brought Michael Essien to the San Siro from Chelsea in January 2014. Unsurprisingly it didn't take long for his glass knees to prove problematic, and his contract was allowed to expire the following season. In the spirit of this transfer policy, what better signing could they make than John Obi Mikel? He plays for Chelsea, he's coming to the end of his peak years, he's probably going to be no improvement at all. Perfect!

LM: Florian Thauvin, Newcastle to Lekhwiya SC

If ever there was a European footballer born for the sun, sand and crap defending of the Qatari Stars League, it was Florian Thauvin. The young Frenchman isn't afraid to try tricks and flicks, though will invariably run himself into a corner while doing so. His feet seem to run at twice the speed of his brain, which makes him look impressive on YouTube but pretty hopeless against competent opponents. However, he's certainly marketable enough for a veritable Arabian giant like reigning domestic champions Lekhwiya to take the plunge, and the prospect of him being united with Vladimír Weiss, another winger once tipped for stardom, is a mouthwatering one.

AM: Marouane Fellaini, Manchester United to Newcastle

If there's one thing history has demonstrated, it's that Geordies love big hair. Think of the glorious perm of Kevin Keegan, the flowing mullet of Chris Waddle, the gigantic mop of Fabricio Coloccini. It's clear that it wouldn't take much for Marouane Fellaini and his afro to become a cult figure in the stands of St. James' Park. Add to that his tendency to kick people and win headers, and he could actually be a pretty useful asset for a team struggling in the lower reaches of the Premier League table. Sure, he may well be incapable of kicking a football, but it's not like anyone will notice among the Magpies' current rabble.

RM: Mohamed Salah, AS Roma to Stoke City

Stoke City's welcome reinvention as one of the Premier League's most entertaining teams has manifested itself in their amassing several talented attackers once tipped for stardom. Well, if Mark Hughes finds himself needing some reinforcement on the wings, he could turn to no finer player than former Chelsea man Mohamed Salah. The Egyptian international had a wonderful spell at Fiorentina last season, and demonstrated flashes of genuine talent. However, he's struggled for form since joining Roma in the summer, and it's likely they'll be looking to sell him in the near future. Salah's quick, skillful and has the potential to become very good with regular game time. It's a perfect match.

ST: Shane Long, Southampton to Liverpool

Southampton striker Shane Long is rather en vogue at present, and has been recently linked with a move to Liverpool. It's so perfect a fit as to be almost too good to be true; Long would surely be one of the classic Anfield flops in the mold of Andy Carroll or Rickie Lambert. Admittedly, the Irishman's probably better than both of the aforementioned, but his goal-scoring record is extremely average and at 29 years old, he'll be heading downhill soon. The good news for Liverpool fans is that if it's Jürgen Klopp who has floated the idea of bringing Long to Liverpool (and not the notorious ‘transfer committee'), it certainly hasn't taken him long to become attuned to one of the finest of their club's traditions: the Desperate Attacking Reinforcement.