Transfers often take a while to get used to, but here are 11 perfectly sensible moves that would unite misguided footballers with their spiritual homes.
Football transfers often take some getting used to, rather like when one flicks the bedroom light on in the morning. In recent times, think of the excitement of Yohan Cabaye donning the stripes of Crystal Palace, the absurdity of Marco Borriello rocking up at West Ham, the plain incongruity of Ángel Di María at Manchester United. In retrospect, they may look as quotidian as a Marouane Fellaini elbow, but at the time, they were thrilling in their bizarre novelty.
Rather rarer are transfers that immediately make perfect sense, transfers where the player and payer are in perfect harmony. But they're not impossible to find. "Southampton's Charlie Austin:" now doesn't that sound like it has been an eternal truth, inscribed on stone tablets by the ancients? With the joy of this transcendental synergy in mind, we've set out to try and bring the universe into greater alignment, cobbling together a team of misguided players and helping them to identify their spiritual homes.
GK: Iker Casillas, Porto to Real Madrid
José Mourinho, you cruel, heartless bastard. Never mind how incompetent he was by the end of his career at the Bernabéu, Iker Casillas was Real Madrid. For football fans generally, Iker was a reassuring constant in a disconcertingly uncertain world; a man who was, and forever would be, the Bernabéu's number one. Champions Leagues, major tournaments and various editions of the FIFA franchise all came and went, and there Casillas still was, in all of his corporeal or pixelated glory. But as we were to learn, nothing lasts forever. Casillas' departure to Porto, at least in part the result of a massive argument with Mourinho, forced us all into the brutal realization that even San Iker succumbs to the sands of time. Even the saints aren't immortal. But let's have him restored, just so we can delude ourselves for a little while longer.
LB: José Holebas, Watford to LA Galaxy
José Holebas, it isn't your fault, it's the Premier League's. You always were going to be too perfect a thing for the competency of the English top flight. The Greek international moved to newly-promoted Watford from Serie A side Roma in the summer, and if supporters weren't excited then, they should've been. Holebas has been the exotic star of a dour Greece team over the past few years, bringing a South American flair to a team of two dismal banks of four. Whether it was taking shots from audacious angles or being caught horribly out of position at the back, this budget David Beckham was always entertaining. A transfer to the west coast and LA Galaxy will finally earn him the appreciation he deserves, and with his penchant for tattoos and glitzy earrings, he'll surely feel right at home.
CB: Vincent Kompany, Manchester City to Arsenal
If we're looking for a harmony between player and club, there's no better a fit than Vincent Kompany and Arsenal. The Belgian international's career arc could almost perfectly be mapped onto the Gunners' performances under Arsène Wenger: plenty of early promise and impressive results -- even a couple of trophies! -- gradually fading into a haphazard mess, with defensive aberrations interspersed with a series of muscle injuries. And just like Arsenal supporters, in spite of all of all evidence to the contrary, Kompany's apologists remain eternally optimistic of a triumphant return to domestic and continental dominance. It's a match made in eternal disappointment.
CB: David Luiz, Paris Saint-Germain to Manchester City
Losing Vincent Kompany to Arsenal would allow City to further rectify the cosmic imbalance by signing David Luiz from Paris Saint-Germain. Chelsea may have laughed all the way to the bank after flogging him to the French giants for a world-record fee a couple of years ago, but admit it: you can imagine him in City's sky blue. They've made an admirable habit of being as entertaining in defense as they are in attack, and the signing of the 28-year-old once described by Gary Neville as playing "like he's being controlled by a 10-year-old on a PlayStation" would only further their claim to be the most watchable team in the Premier League. Make it happen, City.
RB: Branislav Ivanović, Chelsea to Inter Milan
Inter have made a habit of signing creaking old defenders in recent times, with Manchester United legend Nemanja Vidić the archetype of the genre, though formerAtlético Madrid man João Miranda and ex-Palermo center-half Matías Silvestre are also fine examples. Chelsea's Branislav Ivanović would fit perfectly into this transfer policy: he's young enough that the transfer will seem mildly impressive, yet old enough that owner Erick Thohir wouldn't have to delve deep into his pockets to pay the transfer fee. Who cares that he's a hopeless defender?
CM: Mathieu Flamini, Arsenal to Olympiacos
It's always a joyous occasion when Olympiacos are drawn against one of Europe's giants in the Champions League, if only because we get to see which new Premier League reject has been washed up in the Port of Piraeus. Despite the invariably disappointing football on show, it's at least easy to fashion a drinking game: "Is that the same da Costa that used to play for West Ham?", "Is Brown Ideye the striker that couldn't score for West Brom?", "So that is where Esteban Cambiasso ended up! Bet he wishes he'd stayed at Leicester ..." Anyway, these Olympiacos stars are rarely exciting players in themselves; quite often they're tough-tackling midfielders, brought in for their experience and little else. Who better to fit the bill, therefore, than Arsenal's Mathieu Flamini: rubbish footballer, but a better pointer and shouter than anyone in the Premier League. There's also the fact he's a shareholder in the potentially lucrative GFBiochemicals company, and the Greek economy sure could do with a boost ...
CM: John Obi Mikel, Chelsea to AC Milan
AC Milan's recent transfer policy has mirrored that of their big rivals Inter, predicated on the question: "Why buy talented kids when you can bring in aging B-listers from some European giant?" Don't worry, Silvio; the supporters are too stupid to notice your marquee signing is five years past his prime. Perhaps the best example of such a transfer is that which brought Michael Essien to the San Siro from Chelsea in January 2014. Unsurprisingly it didn't take long for his glass knees to prove problematic, and his contract was allowed to expire the following season. In the spirit of this transfer policy, what better signing could they make than John Obi Mikel? He plays for Chelsea, he's coming to the end of his peak years, he's probably going to be no improvement at all. Perfect!
LM: Florian Thauvin, Newcastle to Lekhwiya SC
If ever there was a European footballer born for the sun, sand and crap defending of the Qatari Stars League, it was Florian Thauvin. The young Frenchman isn't afraid to try tricks and flicks, though will invariably run himself into a corner while doing so. His feet seem to run at twice the speed of his brain, which makes him look impressive on YouTube but pretty hopeless against competent opponents. However, he's certainly marketable enough for a veritable Arabian giant like reigning domestic champions Lekhwiya to take the plunge, and the prospect of him being united with Vladimír Weiss, another winger once tipped for stardom, is a mouthwatering one.
AM: Marouane Fellaini, Manchester United to Newcastle
If there's one thing history has demonstrated, it's that Geordies love big hair. Think of the glorious perm of Kevin Keegan, the flowing mullet of Chris Waddle, the gigantic mop of Fabricio Coloccini. It's clear that it wouldn't take much for Marouane Fellaini and his afro to become a cult figure in the stands of St. James' Park. Add to that his tendency to kick people and win headers, and he could actually be a pretty useful asset for a team struggling in the lower reaches of the Premier League table. Sure, he may well be incapable of kicking a football, but it's not like anyone will notice among the Magpies' current rabble.
RM: Mohamed Salah, AS Roma to Stoke City
Stoke City's welcome reinvention as one of the Premier League's most entertaining teams has manifested itself in their amassing several talented attackers once tipped for stardom. Well, if Mark Hughes finds himself needing some reinforcement on the wings, he could turn to no finer player than former Chelsea man Mohamed Salah. The Egyptian international had a wonderful spell at Fiorentina last season, and demonstrated flashes of genuine talent. However, he's struggled for form since joining Roma in the summer, and it's likely they'll be looking to sell him in the near future. Salah's quick, skillful and has the potential to become very good with regular game time. It's a perfect match.
ST: Shane Long, Southampton to Liverpool
Southampton striker Shane Long is rather en vogue at present, and has been recently linked with a move to Liverpool. It's so perfect a fit as to be almost too good to be true; Long would surely be one of the classic Anfield flops in the mold of Andy Carroll or Rickie Lambert. Admittedly, the Irishman's probably better than both of the aforementioned, but his goal-scoring record is extremely average and at 29 years old, he'll be heading downhill soon. The good news for Liverpool fans is that if it's Jürgen Klopp who has floated the idea of bringing Long to Liverpool (and not the notorious ‘transfer committee'), it certainly hasn't taken him long to become attuned to one of the finest of their club's traditions: the Desperate Attacking Reinforcement.
